Boris to Open New Nightclub 'LOCKDOWN'

 An unnamed senior Conservative MP has tipped Jonathan Waites, BBC reporter, that the British Prime Minister has a contingency plan if he is found to have broken lockdown rules last summer.

As the country eagerly awaits Sue Gray's and The Metropolitan Police's report, which looks into the Downing Street parties that took place in May 2020, doubts are cast onto whether Boris Johnson can remain as Prime Minister. 

'Ain't no party like a Conservative Party!'

"While we were told we couldn't hold funerals for deceased loved ones, or hold a massive conga line on VE day, these 'leaders' decided it was acceptable to throw cocktail parties right under our noses!" exclaims one angry citizen.

"Lead by example is the saying, right? So how can our leader do something like this while demanding we stay indoors, and remain our leader?" says Josh Homme, frontman of Queens of the Stone Age.

Jonathan Waites of the BBC, however, was spoken to by an anonymous, tall, Victorian-era ghost-looking glasses-wearing  bench-sleeping Conservative MP, who said he had found freshly printed flyers on the PM's desk for a 'New, exclusive' nightclub entitled 'Lockdown'.

Who's that politician?

"£76.50 Sourz shots", he continued. "Themed nights including 'Paupers Night' where everyone is encouraged to dress like a northern Labour voter in exchange for free entry".

'Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out'

"Boris has always joked about quitting his job to open his own bar," explains Carrie Johnson. "He's always messaging graphic designers with extremely specific, impossible requests, and asking on Facebook for people to 'link him up' with RnB DJs." 

"He regularly tweets 'Message for guest list' before PMQs, he thinks it's proper funny. At first I thought it was just a phase, you know, the one every young man goes through, but he's started IDing me before I enter my own bedroom. It's getting too much."

'No, I won't stay for free VIP  tickets!'

Asked if she would be supportive of his new endeavour, Boris' wife Carrie laughs.

"Being a club promoter is a red flag." 

Boris Johnson is due to release Sue Gray's and the Metropolitan Police's reports later this week. 

Stranger Things and Inbetweeners fans, rejoice!

 The Duffer brothers confirm that Stranger Things is set in the same universe as The Inbetweeners

- By Adam Walton

How cool is this? Last night when asked to confirm the release date of Stranger Things Season 4, the Duffer Brothers said that while they can't yet disclose this information, they were happy to share with us a little easter egg - and it's pretty neat!

Stranger Things 4 is due out some time in 2022

Ross Duffer, in an interview with LA Times, explained how Stranger Things is actually in the same universe as the UK hit comedy The Inbetweeners! 

He said: "We actually sat down with Iain Morris and Damon Beesley as we were writing the original drafts of Stranger Things - before we'd even pitched to Netflix. We have always been fans of British comedy and wanted to reflect this in our show. 

We initially named the gang - (Dustin, Mike, Will and Lucas) the 'Pussay Patrol', and they were to drive a yellow car with a red door through Hawkins instead of bicycles, but Netflix kinda pointed out it was a straight up carbon copy, as opposed to an homage, so we made a few tweaks."

The Duffer Brothers went with bikes instead of the famous yellow car used in The Inbetweeners

He continued: "We initially wanted the show to just be about kids going to a high school in Essex, England. Dustin was going to have his heart broken by someone different every episode, Mike was going to be even more insufferable than he is now, and Eleven was going to be played by Megan Fox."

The 'Pussay Patrol' that never was

When asked how the two shows were linked, Duffer explained: "Well, once Netflix got hold of the script, it became a show based in the states in the 1980s, some 10 years before the Inbetweeners were even born. We didn't even know what 'alternate dimensions' or quantum physics were until we started shooting the first season."

'Can I have a lick of your Cornetto?'

"But we thought it was pretty cool to have the two shows still be set in the same universe. Now when you watch The Inbetweeners, you know that somewhere in the background, twenty years ago, Eleven was giving security guards brain aneurysms. Maybe Jay secretly has powers, or Simon is a distant relative of Lucas, who knows?"

You can watch The Inbetweeners on All 4 and Stranger Things on Netflix.