Boris to Open New Nightclub 'LOCKDOWN'

 An unnamed senior Conservative MP has tipped Jonathan Waites, BBC reporter, that the British Prime Minister has a contingency plan if he is found to have broken lockdown rules last summer.

As the country eagerly awaits Sue Gray's and The Metropolitan Police's report, which looks into the Downing Street parties that took place in May 2020, doubts are cast onto whether Boris Johnson can remain as Prime Minister. 

'Ain't no party like a Conservative Party!'

"While we were told we couldn't hold funerals for deceased loved ones, or hold a massive conga line on VE day, these 'leaders' decided it was acceptable to throw cocktail parties right under our noses!" exclaims one angry citizen.

"Lead by example is the saying, right? So how can our leader do something like this while demanding we stay indoors, and remain our leader?" says Josh Homme, frontman of Queens of the Stone Age.

Jonathan Waites of the BBC, however, was spoken to by an anonymous, tall, Victorian-era ghost-looking glasses-wearing  bench-sleeping Conservative MP, who said he had found freshly printed flyers on the PM's desk for a 'New, exclusive' nightclub entitled 'Lockdown'.

Who's that politician?

"£76.50 Sourz shots", he continued. "Themed nights including 'Paupers Night' where everyone is encouraged to dress like a northern Labour voter in exchange for free entry".

'Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out'

"Boris has always joked about quitting his job to open his own bar," explains Carrie Johnson. "He's always messaging graphic designers with extremely specific, impossible requests, and asking on Facebook for people to 'link him up' with RnB DJs." 

"He regularly tweets 'Message for guest list' before PMQs, he thinks it's proper funny. At first I thought it was just a phase, you know, the one every young man goes through, but he's started IDing me before I enter my own bedroom. It's getting too much."

'No, I won't stay for free VIP  tickets!'

Asked if she would be supportive of his new endeavour, Boris' wife Carrie laughs.

"Being a club promoter is a red flag." 

Boris Johnson is due to release Sue Gray's and the Metropolitan Police's reports later this week.