Boris to Open New Nightclub 'LOCKDOWN'

 An unnamed senior Conservative MP has tipped Jonathan Waites, BBC reporter, that the British Prime Minister has a contingency plan if he is found to have broken lockdown rules last summer.

As the country eagerly awaits Sue Gray's and The Metropolitan Police's report, which looks into the Downing Street parties that took place in May 2020, doubts are cast onto whether Boris Johnson can remain as Prime Minister. 

'Ain't no party like a Conservative Party!'

"While we were told we couldn't hold funerals for deceased loved ones, or hold a massive conga line on VE day, these 'leaders' decided it was acceptable to throw cocktail parties right under our noses!" exclaims one angry citizen.

"Lead by example is the saying, right? So how can our leader do something like this while demanding we stay indoors, and remain our leader?" says Josh Homme, frontman of Queens of the Stone Age.

Jonathan Waites of the BBC, however, was spoken to by an anonymous, tall, Victorian-era ghost-looking glasses-wearing  bench-sleeping Conservative MP, who said he had found freshly printed flyers on the PM's desk for a 'New, exclusive' nightclub entitled 'Lockdown'.

Who's that politician?

"£76.50 Sourz shots", he continued. "Themed nights including 'Paupers Night' where everyone is encouraged to dress like a northern Labour voter in exchange for free entry".

'Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out'

"Boris has always joked about quitting his job to open his own bar," explains Carrie Johnson. "He's always messaging graphic designers with extremely specific, impossible requests, and asking on Facebook for people to 'link him up' with RnB DJs." 

"He regularly tweets 'Message for guest list' before PMQs, he thinks it's proper funny. At first I thought it was just a phase, you know, the one every young man goes through, but he's started IDing me before I enter my own bedroom. It's getting too much."

'No, I won't stay for free VIP  tickets!'

Asked if she would be supportive of his new endeavour, Boris' wife Carrie laughs.

"Being a club promoter is a red flag." 

Boris Johnson is due to release Sue Gray's and the Metropolitan Police's reports later this week. 

Stranger Things and Inbetweeners fans, rejoice!

 The Duffer brothers confirm that Stranger Things is set in the same universe as The Inbetweeners

- By Adam Walton

How cool is this? Last night when asked to confirm the release date of Stranger Things Season 4, the Duffer Brothers said that while they can't yet disclose this information, they were happy to share with us a little easter egg - and it's pretty neat!

Stranger Things 4 is due out some time in 2022

Ross Duffer, in an interview with LA Times, explained how Stranger Things is actually in the same universe as the UK hit comedy The Inbetweeners! 

He said: "We actually sat down with Iain Morris and Damon Beesley as we were writing the original drafts of Stranger Things - before we'd even pitched to Netflix. We have always been fans of British comedy and wanted to reflect this in our show. 

We initially named the gang - (Dustin, Mike, Will and Lucas) the 'Pussay Patrol', and they were to drive a yellow car with a red door through Hawkins instead of bicycles, but Netflix kinda pointed out it was a straight up carbon copy, as opposed to an homage, so we made a few tweaks."

The Duffer Brothers went with bikes instead of the famous yellow car used in The Inbetweeners

He continued: "We initially wanted the show to just be about kids going to a high school in Essex, England. Dustin was going to have his heart broken by someone different every episode, Mike was going to be even more insufferable than he is now, and Eleven was going to be played by Megan Fox."

The 'Pussay Patrol' that never was

When asked how the two shows were linked, Duffer explained: "Well, once Netflix got hold of the script, it became a show based in the states in the 1980s, some 10 years before the Inbetweeners were even born. We didn't even know what 'alternate dimensions' or quantum physics were until we started shooting the first season."

'Can I have a lick of your Cornetto?'

"But we thought it was pretty cool to have the two shows still be set in the same universe. Now when you watch The Inbetweeners, you know that somewhere in the background, twenty years ago, Eleven was giving security guards brain aneurysms. Maybe Jay secretly has powers, or Simon is a distant relative of Lucas, who knows?"

You can watch The Inbetweeners on All 4 and Stranger Things on Netflix.

WAP - Why is a world that claims to be so progressive so heavily shocked by two women's sexual nature?

 WAP, a song and music video by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion caused great controversy when it was released in August 2020. Socio-political commentator Adam Gardner-Walton takes a look to find out why.

Why are these "Certified freaks" causing controversy "Seven days a week"?

Why in 2020 are we so obsessed?

Does anyone fancy going bowling next Tuesday evening? I booked for 6 people but now my friends have cancelled on me and I'm not allowed a refund. It's for 2 games as well so it wasn't super cheap. It's at Hollywood Bowl in Centertainment. It's really easy to get to and each game should take about twenty minutes, starting at 18:00.

Why did WAP specifically rile up right-wingers and republicans such as Ben Shapiro?

There's even a bar. You can order by touch-pad on your lane and the drinks are brought to you. It's like having your own butler. I got the two games for a really great deal but now I have to fork out for them on my own it's quite expensive. I'm not expecting you to pay for it, I'd just rather not have two lanes to myself while everyone else looks at me like I'm some lunatic. It's not even like they'd assume I'm just practising for some competition because if I'm honest I'm terrible at bowling. I just love the atmosphere. You can just get the yellow tram from town centre and it drops you off right behind Hollywood Bowl.

   Female cats tear off the skin of animals. Why does it bother us when female humans show their own?

My Neck, My Back was released in 2002, so why is this particular song causing such outcry?

They have an amazing arcade as well that we can use after the two games (£82.50) are over. They have change machines so you literally just need to bring your debit card. You can even wear your own shoes on the lanes now, you don't need to wear those red/blue ones they used to give you at reception. If interested just give me a message. Check the Hollywood Bowl website to get an idea of what it's like. Spoiler: it's awesome. We can get food after.

To conclude: Is a world driven by sex and powerful, republican white men in itself a paradox? If men love sex so much, why do they cower at the sight of women also enjoying it?

www.hollywoodbowl.co.uk

Illiterate racist thinks 'Tesco’s BLT sandwich is PC culture gone mad'

Angry Protesters Defend Statues From Police Who Are Also There To Defend The Statues From People Who Largely Don't Care About Statues - by Adam Walton

Civil unrest continues today in London and Bristol, where groups of history academics - primarily of Oxford and Cambridge, have gathered to defend statues of great, British heroes who never did anything wrong.

A civil discussion about the intrinsics of history, war and race.

BLM, Black Lives Matter for short, have been participating in largely peaceful protests across the globe in response to the murder of George Floyd. 

However, controversy was sparked in Bristol when a small group of protesters pulled down a statue of Edward Colston - a famous 1600s charity worker and philanthropist, who sometimes dabbled in drowning 19,000 African slaves. 

The statue read: "Felt cute, might delete later"

In response to the pulling down of Colston's statue, history academics flocked to statues in London and Bristol to defend them 'from Antifa'. When the leader of the Antifa organisation was asked if more statues would be targeted, no reply was given as Antifa doesn't actually exist. 

A self-appointed leader of statues and spokesman in London, Judd 'The Geezer' Smith, explained that 'Churchill killed Hitler, and if it wasn't for him, we'd all be speaking German'. This was met with rounds of applause, and Jade Walter commented: "Thank f*ck, anything but German or Spanish, I hated them in school".

Lucozade have denied allegations of sponsoring the event.

Violence soon erupted, and the far-right rioters appeared to take over from the academics by throwing railings and punches at the police they were defending on Twitter just days ago.

Just before these events, we managed to catch up with a few members of the crowd to ask them their opinions on the BLM movement. 

Nazi salutes were also seen to pay respect to Winston Churchill, known supporter of the Nazi party.

Keith Johnson said that he 'thought all lives mattered', but when asked about refugees and liberals, he added 'No, not those lives.'

Rebecca Parkinson M.D said: "If people want to come over to our country and try to erase our history, then they'll have to get through us first." When asked what statue she was currently defending, she shrugged and said it didn't matter.

Lest we forget the great Jimmy Savile

A final comment was given by an illiterate racist who thought Tesco's BLT sandwich is 'PC culture gone mad'. When asked what he thought the 'T' stood for, he simply replied 'Tw*ts'.

Black Lives Tatter?

Pokémon Go: A Guide!

I've heard about it. You've heard about it. Everyone has heard of it. And everybody is obsessed with it.

Heroin.

But today we're going to be focusing on the biggest game on Earth right now, Pokémon Go!

What Is It?

Pokémon Go is a game for the Xbox or PC where players are encouraged to walk around the streets catching wild animals, birds and ghosts. Using a map, and of course a bag for life to carry your console around with you, players can find where the animals are located, and can then throw Pokémon Balls to catch the animals. Pokémon Balls are sold in Sony's only shop in Melbourne, Australia, for just $3 a pop.

But where do they go?

What Do I Do Once I've Bought The Game?

After you've put the disc into your device, an error message will pop up saying that the servers are too busy, and to come back later. This is easy to overcome, however. All you have to do is switch it off and return a week or so later and you'll be able to create your very own Pokémon account! Your Pokémon account can be used for in-game purchases, but it also serves as an email service and an online bank. (Example@pokemonaccount.com - though be wary, this one is already taken. Sorry!)

When you finally load into the game, you can create your own little Pokémon Trainer Avatar. However, there is currently a glitch that means you can only choose between a male and a female trainer. Sony have said at the San Diego Comic Con that they are working their little socks off to resolve the issue. Once you have created your Avatar, you can go to the Pokémon Store and purchase the same clothes that you chose for your Avatar, which will give you extra benefits throughout the game, including higher catch rates and Friend Points (which I'll come to later).

The game requires a lot of walking, and so to prevent accidents where people may wander into a road to catch a rare caterpillar, Sony have introduced a driving ban in most countries every Tuesday and Thursday, meaning these are the ultimate times to play Pokémon Go.

What Level Does My Avatar Start At?

Your Avatar starts at Level 1. The more animals you catch, the more levels you'll earn, it's really that simple!

What Happens If I Catch More Than One Of The Same Animal?

This is a frequently asked question, and can be simply answered with: You won't! Sony originally intended to allow players to keep running into the same animal over and over, providing a feature where you could grind up the animals into meat to feed to your original animal to make him stronger. After much deliberation, Sony decided this was a cruel concept and that's why you thankfully won't keep running into the same bird every five minutes, hurray!

I've Reached The Highest Level, What Now?

Once you've captured them all and are at the highest level, don't worry, it doesn't end here! New Pokémon Animals will be available to you, and you can begin catching them immediately. Your level will then start going from 50 back down to 1. Once you hit 1 again? That's right! You can start catching the original 7 Pokémon Animals again!

Items

I hear this all the time: "Will there be items in the game for our animals to hold so they can battle other animals, or am I just wasting my time?" Of course there are items in the game! Introduced at Level 10, players can use the Pokémon Store to purchase items for their favourite animals that give extra XP, attack power, and even style. Items do however waste battery life on your Xbox or PC, so don't go mad in the Store!

Items can add style to your animal. Make yours unique!

Does Sean Paul Exist?

Rumours have been going around that Sean Paul will feature in the game, ever since his famous tweet. Sony haven't confirmed this rumour though, so don't hold your breath!

The tweet of a generation.

So there you have it. Your very own Pokémon Go guide! If you have any questions, feel free to post them in the comments below.



Adam Walton.

Donald Trump's Last Name Revealed As 'Duck'

Many controversies have surrounded Donald J. Trump these past few days as it has been revealed that 'Trump' might not actually be his real surname.

It was pointed out a few days ago that Donald Duck had been missing since a couple of years ago.

"It's strange that Donald Duck seemed has been out the picture for a few years, and then suddenly this Donald Trump is everywhere, despite the fact no one knew who the bloody Hell he was a couple of years ago," explained a local conspiracy theorist.

When confronted about this allegation, Trump stated, poignantly, "I WILL make America great again. Walls. Fake suntan. Muslims. The military! A wall. Trump. I am Trump. Trump smash."

Friends of Donald Duck spoke out about the matter, saying that they'd been worried about the eighty year old Duck for years, ever since he started talking about Fox News, his new love for Sean Hannity, and his hatred towards Islam.

"Y'know, he used to love our weekly Mexican Mondays at Wetherspoons," said Mickey Mouse, friend of Duck. "But then he got a new TV subscription that gave him Fox News, and he started making that hissing noise that ducks make when you, y'know, exist, every time I mentioned Mexican Mondays".

"The last I saw him, he said he was going to the local DIY store to pick up supplies for some wall he wanted to build around our house, claiming it was a business thing," claimed Duck's wife. "He even tried getting our next door neighbour to pay for it, saying he owed him for the time we lent him some flour."

Trump denies the allegations, claiming he "doesn't know what a duck is, but America's military will be great again."

Islam Guilty of All World's Problems

Today, Rupert Murdoch (565) released a statement solving the question that's been on everyone's mind: Why is the world in such a state?

In his detailed report, Murdoch showed signs of clear research and scientific fact in his analysis of the world's problems, concluding that the religion of peace is the reason our world is in pieces.

CEO of Fox News, The Sun newspaper, and businesses that benefit from ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, said in a press conference today:

'Muslims, all 700 billion of them, carry bombs underneath their ninja outfits, and hide the bodies of dead children in their turbans. Not just any children, white, British children.'

He further stated:

'Anyone who thinks these tainted Santa Claus zombies are peaceful are deluded, and need to get on my deep, experience-based level of knowledge that resonates not only in my genius mind, but in God himself. It's not surprising to me, however, that the scum of the Earth who can't afford to blow their noses on £50 notes, want peace. We all want peace, but these idiots don't have the solution like I. You can only reach peace by bombing other countries with oil, specifically the Middle East.'

Thousands of PhD wielding scientists that attended this large conference of scientists gave a standing ovation to Professor Murdoch. Physician Amar Hookdalah had this to say on the conference:

'It was very good. I myself as a Muslim was so touched by his open-minded views decided, so as to not contradict Rupert the Murdoch, to become an extremist Muslim. His speech about how all Muslims in the world are extreme, bearded terrorists, and how Osama bin Laden is our true prophet, was awakening to me.'

Katie Hopkins, (78), added: 'I hate all black people, all Muslims, all Asians, and all Islams'.

Sean Hannity, Fox News presenter, in a detailed, as ever factual show this evening, showed a graph that showed the amount of white deaths as the amount of Muslims appeared on planet Earth.

More Islamic Extremists were also found in the Middle East today by Chief CIA Commander Rupert Murdoch. He tortured them with rape and his voice, and discovered their names. A report was filed.

• Russell Brand
• Reza Aslan
• Dalai Llama
• Amma
• Gautama Buddha
• Gandhi
• Russell Brand
• Barack Obama
• Russell Brand
• J.K Rowling
• Charlie Hebdo
• Not Rupert Murdoch

Russell Brand, host of Islamic Extremist Internet Show: "The Trews", was found guilty by Supreme Court Leader Rupert Murdoch for spreading: 'nice messages'. 

The Sun, British newspaper and Bible, stated on front page news today that Rupert Murdoch is indeed God, after a poll was conducted amongst seven of his family members. 

"It's not just all these bombings that happen, why Islam is bad. Don't you hate it when it rains? Islam. Don't you hate it when your child falls over at school? Islam. Don't you despise it when your pets die in road accidents? Islamers are the sole cause of these problems. Eliminate them, and I'll be more rich. And the world will be peaceful, of course."

Rupert Murdoch goes on tour with his latest chart-topping album 'TurBAN Turbans', featuring guests such as M.U Slim and Weird Allah Yankovich, in August.