Seven a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Scientists conducted research on 65,000 people to find out how to prolong lives.

Could we be expected to eat this much fruit per day by 2019?

'5 a day keeps the doctor away' to be replaced to '7 a day keeps the doctor away'?

Although many of us already struggle to eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day; and some confuse '5 a day' with cigarettes or Ecstasy pills, scientists have recently found out that '7 a day' is actually better for you, despite previous doubt. 

'We thought seven would increase chances of heart attacks, until we actually used our brains.'

When asked why seven is better than five, Chief Researcher of the British Heart Foundation claimed:

"Well, despite past mathematical doubt, we actually found out that seven is of a greater value than five."

Could 7 be greater than 5?

He was then asked: 'Why not 8 or 9 fruits and vegetables?'

"We are yet to work out the mathematical value of these numbers. So far, seven is the highest number we know."

A study of 65,226 men and women indicated the more fruit and vegetables people ate, the less likely they were to die - at any given age.

"People tend to overlook the fact that, let's say, apples strengthen skin, and so seven of these everyday won't just protect you from heart disease and cancer, but any cars that may hit you should just bounce off you."

"The public may find it hard to get used to the new slogan 'Seven a day keeps the doctor away' but at least they'll be alive longer to get used to it" claimed one researcher. 

Some doubt has arisen in the public surrounding the topic. 

Mary, 6, from London illustrated the financial problems arising from the new research. 

"We've all got mortgages to pay off ain't we? We ain't got time in our weekly shop for two more bananas. Last time we attempted '1 a day' we were almost bankrupt after a week. Whatever next, 3,000 a day?'

Whereas 37% of the British public are for the increase of fruit intake, 60% are against it. 

"It's cruelty to chickens, and it must be stopped. They're pushed hard enough as it is without having to lay two more carrots a day," stated KFC CEO. 

"I don't like fruit", Jordan Ronley, 24, "It's not nice". 

The other 3% of the people interviewed were found run over before they had chance to reply on the poll. 

"We're confident they would have been for the "7 A Day" campaign, meaning we'd have won the debate."

"They should have eaten more apples." 

"Missing Malaysian Airline an Act of God"

Rumours were finally confirmed today by investigators and scientists alike that the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 was indeed guided by the hand of God and lifted up into heaven just over a fortnight ago.

Spottings of debris in the ocean around India were proven to just be things other than a plane, and so a new theory had to be created.

The knowledge first erupted when Johanna, 23, stated that she saw a bright light, followed by a large hand that "caught the plane like a tennis ball" and pulled it up. Johanna also claims she wasn't taking hardcore recreational drugs at the time.

"I'm confident they had first rate service on their journey to heaven," Manager of Malaysian Airlines.

Catholics charged ferociously at the idea of the missing plane being God related.

"It's the first time God has been used to prove anything for at least three-hundred years. It's nice to have a sense of what it was like in the past before concrete evidence was actually needed for facts."

"Scientists worked hard to try and find a scientific explanation for the complete vanishing of the plane," stated Obama this morning, "But in the end they had to agree with the Catholics around the world who resorted to their common sense by claiming it was an act of God."

Obama pointing at the suspect this morning.

"It's a breakthrough," claimed Melissa, 37, a Catholic from Texas. "Atheists always think science has the answer, but this proves them wrong. A vanishing plane is clearly the work of the Lord above."

God's actions are currently unclear. His hearing in the House of Lords is to take place next Tuesday morning.

 

“Perhaps it was a quiet day for him. Suffering was slow that day, maybe he wanted to pick it up a bit.”

"We tried to find solid evidence as to why the plane went missing. We used technology, we used logic, but in the end blaming the guy in the sky is sometimes the easiest thing to do, and doesn't raise any more questions."