Sahara Desert in Britain.

Strong levels of pollution to be expected today, important people with hats and pipes say.

Contrary to popular belief, pollution isn't caused by exhaust fumes or factory waste, but the Sahara Desert over 1000 miles away. 

'The rain traps sand particles and brings them to the UK' claims a researcher. 

Authorities travelling to hold discussions with Saharians this morning

Some scientists dispute this fact and claim it is 'just an excuse to cover up our faults.' 

"It's clearly just something to ease our very well-hidden guilt. It's our fault, not a desert's," Jonathan Bribre. 

"Pollution is toxic and is suffocating our poor planet. Yes I drive, yes I smoke, yes I burn toxic chemicals in my garden, yes I eat cows raw, but I have a job to go to. What's everyone else's excuse?' said Green Party candidate Sally Wiggans. 

People are being told not to exercise outside during extreme pollution conditions today. 

"It's infuriating, my diet was meant to start today; how can I lose weight if I'm not allowed to exercise? Looks like I'll be putting it off for another few years until it clears up," says obese human Caroline, 14. 

"It's a good job I was told not to exercise outdoors today, because otherwise I might've walked outside for a fag unknowingly."

"What's pollution?" asks 7 year old William IV. 

"What's exercise?" asks PM David Cameron when told about the matter. "Can we start war with the Saharians?"

"This is war!"

"If the pollution continues, small squirrels may have to be put down," says Animal Rights Activist's Lucky. 

When asked about the matter, squirrels went 'nuts', claiming it was unjust.

Parisians last month had similar pollution problems. However, their approach to 'actually do something about it' is frowned upon by UK officials. 

"Sure they tried to cut pollution down by giving free public transport and by using the registration plate system, but why do something about it when you can blame others for it?"

However, an optimistic breath of fresh air is given by children all over the country. 

"Does this mean we can build sand castles in the air?"

"Does this mean I get to die quicker?" 

Saharians are blamed by PM David Cameron for this thick air, but "so far they're just burying their heads under the sand".