Nursery Children's "Lack of Knowledge" Worries Many

Earlier this week, Ofsted officials reported that "Nurseries aren't preparing children for school".

They claim that "children go to school not ready to learn".

Could this be a thing of the past, no thanks to nurseries?

It was found that when the young human beings left nursery and entered the big world, they couldn't stand on their own two feet. 

"We set them on a very basic task once they entered Year 1 at Primary School to find a two-bedroom flat with just a £25,000 budget. Most of them came back with Hot Wheels or Play-Doh hairdressing kits," said first year primary school teacher Ms Edwina Bates. "It's simply unacceptable. What do they teach them at nursery these days?"

"The youth nowadays are simply bad mannered. Is this a society of rebellion?" remarks Jordan Cromroth. "They walk into the classroom sometimes two minutes late and have the cheek to blame it on their mother's car which "broke down". Do their mothers have to wipe their arses too? Get them dressed in a morning?"

Jordan Cromroth had a near-death experience when he was just six, when he left the Earth's atmosphere after getting lost on a family holiday.

Ofsted, UK's favourite organisation that make children all over the country behave for three days have many criteria in which schools are to stick to.

"It's just a challenge really, it's nothing that serious", claims Ofsted's CFO, "Think X Factor crossed with Dragon's Den."

One school in Rotherham was discredited for having a "low amount of ethnic minority" in their school - a tough criteria to match considering ethnic minorities are actually still a minority, despite what the name might suggest.

When asked, Brinsworth Primary School's headmaster said: "It's hard to track down ethnic minorities these days, let alone force them to come to your school. We travelled to Pakistan with taser guns and nets to track down Muslim infants to be a part of our spectacular community, where we strive for good education and top-notch play time. We even offered them Halal meat and a Prayer Room. In the end we were just stoned to death, so we couldn't go ahead with the plan and had to face Ofsted instead."

By 2016, children in Nurseries could face GCSE examination mock exams to mentally prepare them for Primary School, according to one report by the Liberal Democratic party.

Could this be expected of a five year old by 2016?

"I'm scared, I want my daddy", said one potential victim, Gordon Black, 3.

"My mummy says I'm brave and strong", Cheryl Vice, 4.

However, British PM David Cameron tells the public not to worry too much. "It's the Liberal Democrats. When did they ever have power?"

"It's a tough road ahead for children. But sooner or later, they'll come up to the T Junction before turning the learning curve."

Sahara Desert in Britain.

Strong levels of pollution to be expected today, important people with hats and pipes say.

Contrary to popular belief, pollution isn't caused by exhaust fumes or factory waste, but the Sahara Desert over 1000 miles away. 

'The rain traps sand particles and brings them to the UK' claims a researcher. 

Authorities travelling to hold discussions with Saharians this morning

Some scientists dispute this fact and claim it is 'just an excuse to cover up our faults.' 

"It's clearly just something to ease our very well-hidden guilt. It's our fault, not a desert's," Jonathan Bribre. 

"Pollution is toxic and is suffocating our poor planet. Yes I drive, yes I smoke, yes I burn toxic chemicals in my garden, yes I eat cows raw, but I have a job to go to. What's everyone else's excuse?' said Green Party candidate Sally Wiggans. 

People are being told not to exercise outside during extreme pollution conditions today. 

"It's infuriating, my diet was meant to start today; how can I lose weight if I'm not allowed to exercise? Looks like I'll be putting it off for another few years until it clears up," says obese human Caroline, 14. 

"It's a good job I was told not to exercise outdoors today, because otherwise I might've walked outside for a fag unknowingly."

"What's pollution?" asks 7 year old William IV. 

"What's exercise?" asks PM David Cameron when told about the matter. "Can we start war with the Saharians?"

"This is war!"

"If the pollution continues, small squirrels may have to be put down," says Animal Rights Activist's Lucky. 

When asked about the matter, squirrels went 'nuts', claiming it was unjust.

Parisians last month had similar pollution problems. However, their approach to 'actually do something about it' is frowned upon by UK officials. 

"Sure they tried to cut pollution down by giving free public transport and by using the registration plate system, but why do something about it when you can blame others for it?"

However, an optimistic breath of fresh air is given by children all over the country. 

"Does this mean we can build sand castles in the air?"

"Does this mean I get to die quicker?" 

Saharians are blamed by PM David Cameron for this thick air, but "so far they're just burying their heads under the sand". 

Seven a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Scientists conducted research on 65,000 people to find out how to prolong lives.

Could we be expected to eat this much fruit per day by 2019?

'5 a day keeps the doctor away' to be replaced to '7 a day keeps the doctor away'?

Although many of us already struggle to eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day; and some confuse '5 a day' with cigarettes or Ecstasy pills, scientists have recently found out that '7 a day' is actually better for you, despite previous doubt. 

'We thought seven would increase chances of heart attacks, until we actually used our brains.'

When asked why seven is better than five, Chief Researcher of the British Heart Foundation claimed:

"Well, despite past mathematical doubt, we actually found out that seven is of a greater value than five."

Could 7 be greater than 5?

He was then asked: 'Why not 8 or 9 fruits and vegetables?'

"We are yet to work out the mathematical value of these numbers. So far, seven is the highest number we know."

A study of 65,226 men and women indicated the more fruit and vegetables people ate, the less likely they were to die - at any given age.

"People tend to overlook the fact that, let's say, apples strengthen skin, and so seven of these everyday won't just protect you from heart disease and cancer, but any cars that may hit you should just bounce off you."

"The public may find it hard to get used to the new slogan 'Seven a day keeps the doctor away' but at least they'll be alive longer to get used to it" claimed one researcher. 

Some doubt has arisen in the public surrounding the topic. 

Mary, 6, from London illustrated the financial problems arising from the new research. 

"We've all got mortgages to pay off ain't we? We ain't got time in our weekly shop for two more bananas. Last time we attempted '1 a day' we were almost bankrupt after a week. Whatever next, 3,000 a day?'

Whereas 37% of the British public are for the increase of fruit intake, 60% are against it. 

"It's cruelty to chickens, and it must be stopped. They're pushed hard enough as it is without having to lay two more carrots a day," stated KFC CEO. 

"I don't like fruit", Jordan Ronley, 24, "It's not nice". 

The other 3% of the people interviewed were found run over before they had chance to reply on the poll. 

"We're confident they would have been for the "7 A Day" campaign, meaning we'd have won the debate."

"They should have eaten more apples."