PM David Cameron to go on Strike after Walkers Crisp Scandal

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party, has announced today that he will be going on strike as of 15:07 tomorrow due to a misunderstanding with a packet of "Distinctively Salt & Vinegar" Walkers crisps last night, sometime after moon-rise.

Could a packet of these be the reason for our country to submerge into chaos? Or have they even saved us?

Although David Cameron hasn't said anything to the press as of yet, some of his close colleagues were around him at the time of his "immense mood swing". 

"It was like a swing at a park. Except it wasn't made out of plastic or metal, but David Cameron's pure emotion and inner strife." 

His mother even made a statement that involved sentences such as: "He's incredibly deep, like water when there's a lot of it, what you see on TV is just some utter moron pretending he knows how to run a country, but what he's like in real life is - well, much the same thing."

A friend of the PM was with him at the time of the purchasing of the popular brand of crisps. 

"It was frightening. Someone usually quite laid-back and uncaring just turned into some sort of demon and threatened to have the country blown up."

When asked what caused it, Frederick Parry (who has asked to be left unnamed for privacy), stated:

"The packet was half empty when he opened it. To be fair, who hasn't threatened to blow up the country, or to kill an 8-month pregnant Muslim who's converted to a Christian, when they've spent 90p on a half empty packet of crisps?"

"They will pay. Each and every one of them. They WILL pay."

Riots are expected to take place outside both the Houses of Parliament and a Walkers Crisp factory in Leicester. A group has been formed on popular social media site Bebo organising the event.

"We feel it's necessary because where's the apostrophe in 'Walkers'?"

The group on Bebo so far has 231 participants, whereas the group on Facebook, heading for the Houses of Parliament, has 459 members. 

Sam 'hardcore' Peterson, the founder of the group, stated:

"Yeah we gonna go down there yeah and totally start some proper pits yeah got mi mates band to go down and tear **** apart with his proper sick beatdowns which is pure aggression so we can elbow people and dance like we're mentally ill people having electric shocks. Get pumped for it 'cause we're totally pumped for it."

It is expected that Sam will be deported from Britain because of his bad grammar, and for being a "complete d*ck", according to everyone else not in that particular social group in Britain. 

"I hope he gets beaten up with a pretend telephone" - Sarah, 6.

"I'd grab that 'hardcore' kid's head and drown him in a pile of salty crisps so his eyes sting, his nostrils burn, and his lungs explode."

However, Gary Lineker, who we can only presume is the manager of Walkers Crisps, stated:

"We are not afraid of the riots or protests. We at Walkers will stand tall, and we could probably drown them in England's best, freshly, hand-picked, most succulent potatoes, if we wanted to. Which we do."

We asked members of the public to send in their tweets on the matter.

UPDATE

David Cameron, not long after the above tweets and thousands more were posted, finally made a public statement via Social Media site Twitter. It seems to imply that he is racist, homophobic, and is therefore 'obviously' a member of UKIP.

"What a precise and crisp choice of words".

"PM PM means Premenstrual Prime Minister."

Children Win Vote to Sing with Eyes Shut

Parliament members this afternoon decided to allow children to have the right to vocalise with their eyes shut as of 2016, with a 67% "Yes" vote beating a 49% "No" vote.

Kelly, now 19, is seen fighting a dragon that is blue.

The matter was first taken to Parliament in 2003 when a young girl of 3 was caught singing a hymn at a Church of England school with her eyes shut. The headmaster claimed:

 "Her eyes were definitely not open, which, in my books, is the opposite of being open."

Parents and people with children alike campaigned outside the school for three days when a decision was made to burn the infant who: "Should've known better", claimed Chief Minister of Music Rights.

The school compromised with the raging campaigners and instead decided to release the girl into a controlled predator environment, a place in which predators roam freely around artificial trees and are fed fresh meat every three to two hours.

"If she survives the task for three days then we'll let her out. If not, then we'll just skip the 3pm feeding. If she pretends to be a tree she'll be fine."

Kelly Fremont (8), a friend of the young child who survived the bears, took the matter to court and then to parliament, stating: "It's simply naughty. What that school did was wrong, and I shan't be attending any longer. Besides, SATs are pointless anyway, am I right?" The young female originally added the quote: "Hashtag YOLO" to the end of her statement, but we had to remove it due to copyright purposes.

Fremont was first declined her petition to ban the execution of children who sang with their eyes shut, as it was claimed that: "She's too young, and I think she might be a lesbian." 

However, due to a popularisation of the matter on social media sites such as Twitter, with trending topics such as #eyeswideshut and #eyelidsarethereforareasontoprotectyoureyesfromdustsosingifyouwantwithyoureyescloseditshealthy, the topic was re-evaluated and was welcomed back to parliament in the winter of 2013.

At first, the votes were tied at 40% each, as PM David Cameron put forward a strong argument saying:

"If we don't burn them now, they will breed, and we don't want UKIP to win, do we?"

Arguing the opposite however was Nigel Farrage who allowed young boy "Curtis Jon" to sing the full version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" with his eyes shut, and whilst holding a mouldy banana. 

In the end, the children came out victorious, winning the right of children everywhere to sing with their eyes in whatever position they desire.

"It's a real victory," claimed Kelly, with her eyes open.

Hypocrite.

Elephant in San Diego Not Stolen

It was found today that popular elephant 'Sidney' wasn't stolen from her cage in the west section of San Diego's best zoo. 

Panic arose in the early morning of last Tuesday when Sidney's keeper, Nelson Mort, went to feed Sidney as per his usual daily routine, but couldn't because the elephant was actually still there. 

Nelson stated: "I grabbed the bucket of fish and headed round to Sidney's cage to feed him, and suddenly, all of a sudden, right at that moment, to my surprise, on this immediate occasion, Sidney was there! I called the cops immediately!'

Nelson rang the police at 6:61am, six minutes after he claimed the elephant wasn't missing, leading conspirators to believe it was Nelson who didn't steal Sidney. 

"Why would I not steal Sidney? He's the bestest four legs I ever seen!" 

Protests to lose the popular elephant were held outside the zoo all morning. 

"The elephant isn't lost, and it's wrong. How did they allow this to happen?" 

Boards held high above proud, American heads today read from things such as: 

"An animal not let loose into public letting it kill people is inhumane!"

"Misplace the elephant or we'll be defiant!" 

To the more bizarre such as:

"Ice cream just $1.49!"

Head Zookeeper Zadante Minawii can be badly quoted, with no evidence that he actually said this but you'll believe it anyway, saying: 

"Nelson will be fired as soon as I see his black ass. He had one job: to look after the elephant, and what does he go and do? Not lose it! San Diego Zoo would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by Sidney the elephant not running wild around the city."

Many recall 2011's incident where a Macaw parrot didnt fly away to escape the zoo. 

"Finder's keeper's, and in this case the keeper was a finder and by finding the found, he was found to not be keeping his job anymore." 

David Cameron "the Saviour of the Missing Nigerians?"

"The Nigerians shall be rescued now that I permit it. Just because they're black, it doesn't mean they're different to normal people - Humans are about wealth, not skin colour," David Cameron said this morning.

Trending topics on Twitter are renowned for changing the path of #history as we know it.

More than 200 girls were taken from a school in Nigeria last month. As countries such as America rise up to the challenge of finding these missing girls, Great Britain step in as of today - because they are notorious for saving the day by stepping in to situations that don't concern them.

"I always loved Easter Egg hunts as a child", claims Boris Johnson, Mayor of London. "The colour of the Nigerians' skin resembles that of chocolate and so I'm all for it. I love chocolate. And bikes." Boris Johnson's new book entitled "My Country, My World, My Planet, My Globe, My Universe... My Swag" is due out in August.

David Cameron appeared on BBC One this morning after his make-up artists finished applying Vogue's "Concerned - Summer 2012" to Cameron's face. 

Cameron followed Michelle Obama's footsteps by holding up a "#bringbackourgirls" sheet of A4 paper on live television, with a look of confusion as he took the "our" seriously, and began to question ever having 200 children. 

"I don't remember having 200 children with my wife. I don't even remember my wife's name. But rest assured, people of Britain, that I will bring back my girls."

A day out with the kids.

"I've fetched my daughters back from ice-skating parties before, I'm sure I can give lifts to more of my own daughters for crying out loud!" remarked Dave when questioned whether it's in his power to save these children. 

Chief Defence Secretary "Mad-Dog" was later asked, after David Cameron endorsed the campaign, who was responsible for the missing children.

"It's evident to me that Boko Haram, the Islamic Terrorist group, are the ones responsible for this. They are renowned for this kind of behaviour - and they also admitted to doing it. A video of two Muslims taking responsibility on behalf of a whole terrorist organisation should clearly be trusted and taken seriously."

Boko Haram is an Islamic Terrorist group which believes the education of women is bad, because women should just get married, have children and then die. What makes this different to the rest of Islam is the name "Boko Haram". 

When questioned where the children might be, David Cameron replied: "They are probably in this deep area of jungle that is three times the size of Wales." He was then asked what he will do personally for the cause. "I won't be going into any jungle because I don't like the Welsh and the humidity makes my hair go all poofy. But I did hold up a sheet of A4 paper."

"The more America keeps creating these terrorist groups and blaming them for things, the less likely I will take my children to Disney World", a recent survey suggested in Canklow.

"Islam is a religion of peace. Islam even translates as "peace". But as long as certain individuals keep taking the Qu'ran literally, word for word, extremism will exist," Sarah Mrandenporté explained. 

"Boko Haram are obviously idiots", stated one member of the public whose opinion we show on this news page to make the public feel like they actually have an opinion worth listening to. "They're basically saying: "Women don't need education. We didn't have education and we turned out alright so you don't need it - or get in the van." 

The BNP were asked for their opinions on the issue - oh, wait, they weren't.

Children in the US were entered in a survey following the recent incident of the missing Nigerian Children. Those who subscribed to email newsletters and updates were entered into a draw to win an iPad. 

67% of children said "Yes" whereas the other 67% said "Ben Kingsley". 

Ex-drummer of Blackened Eyes has nothing to do with this. At all.

David Cameron also added: "The British thought their education system was bad - at least when you learn about Pythagoras you don't get sold into slavery!"

"We will find these children. With the twisted mind frames in which the Muslims we're dealing with have, it's quite likely that we may find some of the children dead. However, it is more likely that the children will have been sold into slavery after female genital mutilation has performed upon them. We will find them, we will help them, and we will bring justice to these criminals."

The families of the missing children are deeply upset. The average daily tears cried are 23.4 per family member. 

Does David Cameron really want to stop their tears, to bring justice and to save the girls? Or does he just want credit for being a part of something he knows nothing about? 

"First the Malaysian Airline, now these children. It's evident to me that there's a link. Both have gone missing, the children were stolen by Muslims, therefore it is evident to us that the plane was stolen by Muslims too!" claimed Mary Chapel from The Sun. 

"It happened in 2001 when a group of Muslims, armed with box cutters, hijacked 4 planes and directed them on an extremely complex flight path in order to cause terror without interception from the American government. Who's to say it wasn't them with the Malaysian Airliner?"

"Muslims invented death!" claims one expert.

Does Islamophobia exist because the social media exaggerate it? Or does social media show Islam related terrors because they're terrors and this is news, and shouldn't not be shown just because the group of thugs were Muslims? 

The majority of white-British individuals voted 10/10 but coconuts are against Pharmacies in Scotland. The coconuts face hearings next week due to "Strategic Racism".

Phrak, Nina and their three children campaigned against pharmacies in Scotland last month to promote Islamophobia.