Kardashian's Crack Creates Controversy Connected to Comet

This week, Labour Party leader Ed Milliband saw a huge rise in people claiming they'll vote for Labour next year.

Is he keeping trendy? Or influencing the prostitution industry?

Farrage said, in a recent statement: "He can use all the ass he wants. At the end of the day, she isn't purely white, she isn't British, and my legion of racist voters will dismiss her like milk that has gone hard."

PM David Cameron said: "He can try his hardest to appeal to the poor, working class scum of this country, but at the end of the day, they don't even know how to use a pen, so how can they put a cross in the box that is next to anyone's name?"

Even ex-PM and ex-leader of the Labour Party, Tony Blair, added his thoughts:

Kim Kardashian released photos of her backside, and frontside, just this week on a newspaper aptly named: "Paper".

Though it was a pretty sight for some, scientists speculate that she is not a human, but a subaquatic creature.

Doctor P. J Rannod stated this morning: "If you look closely, you can see that her skin is reflecting light. Some of my colleagues thought at one point that her skin was emitting light, and that she was therefore a small star, however, I believe that the glowing skin shows that she spends most of her time in the water, and she has gills instead of lungs."

Kim's bum was not unlike this.

In other news, the human race successfully landed something on a comet this week, which is a scientific breakthrough. We asked the public for their thoughts on this.


"I don't know what a comet is, but I'd like to land on that Kim Kardashian's butt!" Faye, 19.

"Oh, the comet landing? Wasn't that in Paper?" Simon, 26.

"Comet's suck, they are just in space and have no importance to us. Live in the moment, focus on what's real, like Kim Kardashian's anus." Dalai Lama.

"A comet was just mentioned to take our attention away from the magnificence that is Kim's ass. I'd sure like to oil that up even more!" Sam, 4.



Due to the recent photos, which threatened to 'Break the Internet', a surge in surgery has been noted as 'the largest surge since everyone wanted to be like the elephant man.'

Chief Surgeon of SCSC (Southern California Surgery Clinic), Marcus Pryjomko, released a statement two days ago:

"It's unreal. We've had four-hundred applicants in a matter of days, claiming they want their backsides to look like a 'ball of dolphin if dolphins got suntans and weren't blue'. People have even offered their vital organs in absence of money they don't have. We've taken seventeen hearts already!"

Fox News started controversy in a broadcast last night, claiming that Kim Kardashian's backside was a threat to the United States of America, and that it is 'clearly a device created by ISIS that will blow up any day now' and that we should 'blow Kim up first'.

But many believe we should just leave this behind us.

PM David Cameron to go on Strike after Walkers Crisp Scandal

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party, has announced today that he will be going on strike as of 15:07 tomorrow due to a misunderstanding with a packet of "Distinctively Salt & Vinegar" Walkers crisps last night, sometime after moon-rise.

Could a packet of these be the reason for our country to submerge into chaos? Or have they even saved us?

Although David Cameron hasn't said anything to the press as of yet, some of his close colleagues were around him at the time of his "immense mood swing". 

"It was like a swing at a park. Except it wasn't made out of plastic or metal, but David Cameron's pure emotion and inner strife." 

His mother even made a statement that involved sentences such as: "He's incredibly deep, like water when there's a lot of it, what you see on TV is just some utter moron pretending he knows how to run a country, but what he's like in real life is - well, much the same thing."

A friend of the PM was with him at the time of the purchasing of the popular brand of crisps. 

"It was frightening. Someone usually quite laid-back and uncaring just turned into some sort of demon and threatened to have the country blown up."

When asked what caused it, Frederick Parry (who has asked to be left unnamed for privacy), stated:

"The packet was half empty when he opened it. To be fair, who hasn't threatened to blow up the country, or to kill an 8-month pregnant Muslim who's converted to a Christian, when they've spent 90p on a half empty packet of crisps?"

"They will pay. Each and every one of them. They WILL pay."

Riots are expected to take place outside both the Houses of Parliament and a Walkers Crisp factory in Leicester. A group has been formed on popular social media site Bebo organising the event.

"We feel it's necessary because where's the apostrophe in 'Walkers'?"

The group on Bebo so far has 231 participants, whereas the group on Facebook, heading for the Houses of Parliament, has 459 members. 

Sam 'hardcore' Peterson, the founder of the group, stated:

"Yeah we gonna go down there yeah and totally start some proper pits yeah got mi mates band to go down and tear **** apart with his proper sick beatdowns which is pure aggression so we can elbow people and dance like we're mentally ill people having electric shocks. Get pumped for it 'cause we're totally pumped for it."

It is expected that Sam will be deported from Britain because of his bad grammar, and for being a "complete d*ck", according to everyone else not in that particular social group in Britain. 

"I hope he gets beaten up with a pretend telephone" - Sarah, 6.

"I'd grab that 'hardcore' kid's head and drown him in a pile of salty crisps so his eyes sting, his nostrils burn, and his lungs explode."

However, Gary Lineker, who we can only presume is the manager of Walkers Crisps, stated:

"We are not afraid of the riots or protests. We at Walkers will stand tall, and we could probably drown them in England's best, freshly, hand-picked, most succulent potatoes, if we wanted to. Which we do."

We asked members of the public to send in their tweets on the matter.

UPDATE

David Cameron, not long after the above tweets and thousands more were posted, finally made a public statement via Social Media site Twitter. It seems to imply that he is racist, homophobic, and is therefore 'obviously' a member of UKIP.

"What a precise and crisp choice of words".

"PM PM means Premenstrual Prime Minister."

Children Win Vote to Sing with Eyes Shut

Parliament members this afternoon decided to allow children to have the right to vocalise with their eyes shut as of 2016, with a 67% "Yes" vote beating a 49% "No" vote.

Kelly, now 19, is seen fighting a dragon that is blue.

The matter was first taken to Parliament in 2003 when a young girl of 3 was caught singing a hymn at a Church of England school with her eyes shut. The headmaster claimed:

 "Her eyes were definitely not open, which, in my books, is the opposite of being open."

Parents and people with children alike campaigned outside the school for three days when a decision was made to burn the infant who: "Should've known better", claimed Chief Minister of Music Rights.

The school compromised with the raging campaigners and instead decided to release the girl into a controlled predator environment, a place in which predators roam freely around artificial trees and are fed fresh meat every three to two hours.

"If she survives the task for three days then we'll let her out. If not, then we'll just skip the 3pm feeding. If she pretends to be a tree she'll be fine."

Kelly Fremont (8), a friend of the young child who survived the bears, took the matter to court and then to parliament, stating: "It's simply naughty. What that school did was wrong, and I shan't be attending any longer. Besides, SATs are pointless anyway, am I right?" The young female originally added the quote: "Hashtag YOLO" to the end of her statement, but we had to remove it due to copyright purposes.

Fremont was first declined her petition to ban the execution of children who sang with their eyes shut, as it was claimed that: "She's too young, and I think she might be a lesbian." 

However, due to a popularisation of the matter on social media sites such as Twitter, with trending topics such as #eyeswideshut and #eyelidsarethereforareasontoprotectyoureyesfromdustsosingifyouwantwithyoureyescloseditshealthy, the topic was re-evaluated and was welcomed back to parliament in the winter of 2013.

At first, the votes were tied at 40% each, as PM David Cameron put forward a strong argument saying:

"If we don't burn them now, they will breed, and we don't want UKIP to win, do we?"

Arguing the opposite however was Nigel Farrage who allowed young boy "Curtis Jon" to sing the full version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" with his eyes shut, and whilst holding a mouldy banana. 

In the end, the children came out victorious, winning the right of children everywhere to sing with their eyes in whatever position they desire.

"It's a real victory," claimed Kelly, with her eyes open.

Hypocrite.

Elephant in San Diego Not Stolen

It was found today that popular elephant 'Sidney' wasn't stolen from her cage in the west section of San Diego's best zoo. 

Panic arose in the early morning of last Tuesday when Sidney's keeper, Nelson Mort, went to feed Sidney as per his usual daily routine, but couldn't because the elephant was actually still there. 

Nelson stated: "I grabbed the bucket of fish and headed round to Sidney's cage to feed him, and suddenly, all of a sudden, right at that moment, to my surprise, on this immediate occasion, Sidney was there! I called the cops immediately!'

Nelson rang the police at 6:61am, six minutes after he claimed the elephant wasn't missing, leading conspirators to believe it was Nelson who didn't steal Sidney. 

"Why would I not steal Sidney? He's the bestest four legs I ever seen!" 

Protests to lose the popular elephant were held outside the zoo all morning. 

"The elephant isn't lost, and it's wrong. How did they allow this to happen?" 

Boards held high above proud, American heads today read from things such as: 

"An animal not let loose into public letting it kill people is inhumane!"

"Misplace the elephant or we'll be defiant!" 

To the more bizarre such as:

"Ice cream just $1.49!"

Head Zookeeper Zadante Minawii can be badly quoted, with no evidence that he actually said this but you'll believe it anyway, saying: 

"Nelson will be fired as soon as I see his black ass. He had one job: to look after the elephant, and what does he go and do? Not lose it! San Diego Zoo would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by Sidney the elephant not running wild around the city."

Many recall 2011's incident where a Macaw parrot didnt fly away to escape the zoo. 

"Finder's keeper's, and in this case the keeper was a finder and by finding the found, he was found to not be keeping his job anymore." 

David Cameron "the Saviour of the Missing Nigerians?"

"The Nigerians shall be rescued now that I permit it. Just because they're black, it doesn't mean they're different to normal people - Humans are about wealth, not skin colour," David Cameron said this morning.

Trending topics on Twitter are renowned for changing the path of #history as we know it.

More than 200 girls were taken from a school in Nigeria last month. As countries such as America rise up to the challenge of finding these missing girls, Great Britain step in as of today - because they are notorious for saving the day by stepping in to situations that don't concern them.

"I always loved Easter Egg hunts as a child", claims Boris Johnson, Mayor of London. "The colour of the Nigerians' skin resembles that of chocolate and so I'm all for it. I love chocolate. And bikes." Boris Johnson's new book entitled "My Country, My World, My Planet, My Globe, My Universe... My Swag" is due out in August.

David Cameron appeared on BBC One this morning after his make-up artists finished applying Vogue's "Concerned - Summer 2012" to Cameron's face. 

Cameron followed Michelle Obama's footsteps by holding up a "#bringbackourgirls" sheet of A4 paper on live television, with a look of confusion as he took the "our" seriously, and began to question ever having 200 children. 

"I don't remember having 200 children with my wife. I don't even remember my wife's name. But rest assured, people of Britain, that I will bring back my girls."

A day out with the kids.

"I've fetched my daughters back from ice-skating parties before, I'm sure I can give lifts to more of my own daughters for crying out loud!" remarked Dave when questioned whether it's in his power to save these children. 

Chief Defence Secretary "Mad-Dog" was later asked, after David Cameron endorsed the campaign, who was responsible for the missing children.

"It's evident to me that Boko Haram, the Islamic Terrorist group, are the ones responsible for this. They are renowned for this kind of behaviour - and they also admitted to doing it. A video of two Muslims taking responsibility on behalf of a whole terrorist organisation should clearly be trusted and taken seriously."

Boko Haram is an Islamic Terrorist group which believes the education of women is bad, because women should just get married, have children and then die. What makes this different to the rest of Islam is the name "Boko Haram". 

When questioned where the children might be, David Cameron replied: "They are probably in this deep area of jungle that is three times the size of Wales." He was then asked what he will do personally for the cause. "I won't be going into any jungle because I don't like the Welsh and the humidity makes my hair go all poofy. But I did hold up a sheet of A4 paper."

"The more America keeps creating these terrorist groups and blaming them for things, the less likely I will take my children to Disney World", a recent survey suggested in Canklow.

"Islam is a religion of peace. Islam even translates as "peace". But as long as certain individuals keep taking the Qu'ran literally, word for word, extremism will exist," Sarah Mrandenporté explained. 

"Boko Haram are obviously idiots", stated one member of the public whose opinion we show on this news page to make the public feel like they actually have an opinion worth listening to. "They're basically saying: "Women don't need education. We didn't have education and we turned out alright so you don't need it - or get in the van." 

The BNP were asked for their opinions on the issue - oh, wait, they weren't.

Children in the US were entered in a survey following the recent incident of the missing Nigerian Children. Those who subscribed to email newsletters and updates were entered into a draw to win an iPad. 

67% of children said "Yes" whereas the other 67% said "Ben Kingsley". 

Ex-drummer of Blackened Eyes has nothing to do with this. At all.

David Cameron also added: "The British thought their education system was bad - at least when you learn about Pythagoras you don't get sold into slavery!"

"We will find these children. With the twisted mind frames in which the Muslims we're dealing with have, it's quite likely that we may find some of the children dead. However, it is more likely that the children will have been sold into slavery after female genital mutilation has performed upon them. We will find them, we will help them, and we will bring justice to these criminals."

The families of the missing children are deeply upset. The average daily tears cried are 23.4 per family member. 

Does David Cameron really want to stop their tears, to bring justice and to save the girls? Or does he just want credit for being a part of something he knows nothing about? 

"First the Malaysian Airline, now these children. It's evident to me that there's a link. Both have gone missing, the children were stolen by Muslims, therefore it is evident to us that the plane was stolen by Muslims too!" claimed Mary Chapel from The Sun. 

"It happened in 2001 when a group of Muslims, armed with box cutters, hijacked 4 planes and directed them on an extremely complex flight path in order to cause terror without interception from the American government. Who's to say it wasn't them with the Malaysian Airliner?"

"Muslims invented death!" claims one expert.

Does Islamophobia exist because the social media exaggerate it? Or does social media show Islam related terrors because they're terrors and this is news, and shouldn't not be shown just because the group of thugs were Muslims? 

The majority of white-British individuals voted 10/10 but coconuts are against Pharmacies in Scotland. The coconuts face hearings next week due to "Strategic Racism".

Phrak, Nina and their three children campaigned against pharmacies in Scotland last month to promote Islamophobia.

Nursery Children's "Lack of Knowledge" Worries Many

Earlier this week, Ofsted officials reported that "Nurseries aren't preparing children for school".

They claim that "children go to school not ready to learn".

Could this be a thing of the past, no thanks to nurseries?

It was found that when the young human beings left nursery and entered the big world, they couldn't stand on their own two feet. 

"We set them on a very basic task once they entered Year 1 at Primary School to find a two-bedroom flat with just a £25,000 budget. Most of them came back with Hot Wheels or Play-Doh hairdressing kits," said first year primary school teacher Ms Edwina Bates. "It's simply unacceptable. What do they teach them at nursery these days?"

"The youth nowadays are simply bad mannered. Is this a society of rebellion?" remarks Jordan Cromroth. "They walk into the classroom sometimes two minutes late and have the cheek to blame it on their mother's car which "broke down". Do their mothers have to wipe their arses too? Get them dressed in a morning?"

Jordan Cromroth had a near-death experience when he was just six, when he left the Earth's atmosphere after getting lost on a family holiday.

Ofsted, UK's favourite organisation that make children all over the country behave for three days have many criteria in which schools are to stick to.

"It's just a challenge really, it's nothing that serious", claims Ofsted's CFO, "Think X Factor crossed with Dragon's Den."

One school in Rotherham was discredited for having a "low amount of ethnic minority" in their school - a tough criteria to match considering ethnic minorities are actually still a minority, despite what the name might suggest.

When asked, Brinsworth Primary School's headmaster said: "It's hard to track down ethnic minorities these days, let alone force them to come to your school. We travelled to Pakistan with taser guns and nets to track down Muslim infants to be a part of our spectacular community, where we strive for good education and top-notch play time. We even offered them Halal meat and a Prayer Room. In the end we were just stoned to death, so we couldn't go ahead with the plan and had to face Ofsted instead."

By 2016, children in Nurseries could face GCSE examination mock exams to mentally prepare them for Primary School, according to one report by the Liberal Democratic party.

Could this be expected of a five year old by 2016?

"I'm scared, I want my daddy", said one potential victim, Gordon Black, 3.

"My mummy says I'm brave and strong", Cheryl Vice, 4.

However, British PM David Cameron tells the public not to worry too much. "It's the Liberal Democrats. When did they ever have power?"

"It's a tough road ahead for children. But sooner or later, they'll come up to the T Junction before turning the learning curve."

Sahara Desert in Britain.

Strong levels of pollution to be expected today, important people with hats and pipes say.

Contrary to popular belief, pollution isn't caused by exhaust fumes or factory waste, but the Sahara Desert over 1000 miles away. 

'The rain traps sand particles and brings them to the UK' claims a researcher. 

Authorities travelling to hold discussions with Saharians this morning

Some scientists dispute this fact and claim it is 'just an excuse to cover up our faults.' 

"It's clearly just something to ease our very well-hidden guilt. It's our fault, not a desert's," Jonathan Bribre. 

"Pollution is toxic and is suffocating our poor planet. Yes I drive, yes I smoke, yes I burn toxic chemicals in my garden, yes I eat cows raw, but I have a job to go to. What's everyone else's excuse?' said Green Party candidate Sally Wiggans. 

People are being told not to exercise outside during extreme pollution conditions today. 

"It's infuriating, my diet was meant to start today; how can I lose weight if I'm not allowed to exercise? Looks like I'll be putting it off for another few years until it clears up," says obese human Caroline, 14. 

"It's a good job I was told not to exercise outdoors today, because otherwise I might've walked outside for a fag unknowingly."

"What's pollution?" asks 7 year old William IV. 

"What's exercise?" asks PM David Cameron when told about the matter. "Can we start war with the Saharians?"

"This is war!"

"If the pollution continues, small squirrels may have to be put down," says Animal Rights Activist's Lucky. 

When asked about the matter, squirrels went 'nuts', claiming it was unjust.

Parisians last month had similar pollution problems. However, their approach to 'actually do something about it' is frowned upon by UK officials. 

"Sure they tried to cut pollution down by giving free public transport and by using the registration plate system, but why do something about it when you can blame others for it?"

However, an optimistic breath of fresh air is given by children all over the country. 

"Does this mean we can build sand castles in the air?"

"Does this mean I get to die quicker?" 

Saharians are blamed by PM David Cameron for this thick air, but "so far they're just burying their heads under the sand". 

Seven a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Scientists conducted research on 65,000 people to find out how to prolong lives.

Could we be expected to eat this much fruit per day by 2019?

'5 a day keeps the doctor away' to be replaced to '7 a day keeps the doctor away'?

Although many of us already struggle to eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day; and some confuse '5 a day' with cigarettes or Ecstasy pills, scientists have recently found out that '7 a day' is actually better for you, despite previous doubt. 

'We thought seven would increase chances of heart attacks, until we actually used our brains.'

When asked why seven is better than five, Chief Researcher of the British Heart Foundation claimed:

"Well, despite past mathematical doubt, we actually found out that seven is of a greater value than five."

Could 7 be greater than 5?

He was then asked: 'Why not 8 or 9 fruits and vegetables?'

"We are yet to work out the mathematical value of these numbers. So far, seven is the highest number we know."

A study of 65,226 men and women indicated the more fruit and vegetables people ate, the less likely they were to die - at any given age.

"People tend to overlook the fact that, let's say, apples strengthen skin, and so seven of these everyday won't just protect you from heart disease and cancer, but any cars that may hit you should just bounce off you."

"The public may find it hard to get used to the new slogan 'Seven a day keeps the doctor away' but at least they'll be alive longer to get used to it" claimed one researcher. 

Some doubt has arisen in the public surrounding the topic. 

Mary, 6, from London illustrated the financial problems arising from the new research. 

"We've all got mortgages to pay off ain't we? We ain't got time in our weekly shop for two more bananas. Last time we attempted '1 a day' we were almost bankrupt after a week. Whatever next, 3,000 a day?'

Whereas 37% of the British public are for the increase of fruit intake, 60% are against it. 

"It's cruelty to chickens, and it must be stopped. They're pushed hard enough as it is without having to lay two more carrots a day," stated KFC CEO. 

"I don't like fruit", Jordan Ronley, 24, "It's not nice". 

The other 3% of the people interviewed were found run over before they had chance to reply on the poll. 

"We're confident they would have been for the "7 A Day" campaign, meaning we'd have won the debate."

"They should have eaten more apples." 

"Missing Malaysian Airline an Act of God"

Rumours were finally confirmed today by investigators and scientists alike that the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 was indeed guided by the hand of God and lifted up into heaven just over a fortnight ago.

Spottings of debris in the ocean around India were proven to just be things other than a plane, and so a new theory had to be created.

The knowledge first erupted when Johanna, 23, stated that she saw a bright light, followed by a large hand that "caught the plane like a tennis ball" and pulled it up. Johanna also claims she wasn't taking hardcore recreational drugs at the time.

"I'm confident they had first rate service on their journey to heaven," Manager of Malaysian Airlines.

Catholics charged ferociously at the idea of the missing plane being God related.

"It's the first time God has been used to prove anything for at least three-hundred years. It's nice to have a sense of what it was like in the past before concrete evidence was actually needed for facts."

"Scientists worked hard to try and find a scientific explanation for the complete vanishing of the plane," stated Obama this morning, "But in the end they had to agree with the Catholics around the world who resorted to their common sense by claiming it was an act of God."

Obama pointing at the suspect this morning.

"It's a breakthrough," claimed Melissa, 37, a Catholic from Texas. "Atheists always think science has the answer, but this proves them wrong. A vanishing plane is clearly the work of the Lord above."

God's actions are currently unclear. His hearing in the House of Lords is to take place next Tuesday morning.

 

“Perhaps it was a quiet day for him. Suffering was slow that day, maybe he wanted to pick it up a bit.”

"We tried to find solid evidence as to why the plane went missing. We used technology, we used logic, but in the end blaming the guy in the sky is sometimes the easiest thing to do, and doesn't raise any more questions."